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Q: I’m 52 and my wife is 44. She informed me in no uncertain terms: no more sex. So far, that’s how it is. I’m not ready to end my sex life. Is seeking sex elsewhere acceptable in this case?
A: Some time ago, I wrote a magazine article in which I suggested that marriages ought to be more like baseball player contracts. You’d sign up for five years, there’d be performance bonuses (say, based on orgasm average, number of error-free cocktail party conversations, or total away games with in-laws) and then when the contract expired both sides could renegotiate. If you couldn’t come to an agreement, you’d shake hands then go into free agency.
While that’s partly a joke, this business of marriage being for life — no matter what — sets us up for failure. People change. Circumstances change. When the two sides can no longer agree on something so fundamental as sex, maybe it’s time to change teams.
I believe sexual expression is a human right. If your wife is not suffering from some disorder, if she just doesn’t want sex any more (at least not with you), you have the right to seek it elsewhere.
But you do not have the right to sneak around. You have an obligation to explain your position to your wife, perhaps suggest sex therapy. Or you can suggest an “arrangement” in which you stay married and see other people. If she won’t budge, a divorce sounds like your only option. Emotionally and financially painful, yes, but probably not as painful as sex on the down low. Walk with a clear conscience.
A: Some time ago, I wrote a magazine article in which I suggested that marriages ought to be more like baseball player contracts. You’d sign up for five years, there’d be performance bonuses (say, based on orgasm average, number of error-free cocktail party conversations, or total away games with in-laws) and then when the contract expired both sides could renegotiate. If you couldn’t come to an agreement, you’d shake hands then go into free agency.
While that’s partly a joke, this business of marriage being for life — no matter what — sets us up for failure. People change. Circumstances change. When the two sides can no longer agree on something so fundamental as sex, maybe it’s time to change teams.
I believe sexual expression is a human right. If your wife is not suffering from some disorder, if she just doesn’t want sex any more (at least not with you), you have the right to seek it elsewhere.
But you do not have the right to sneak around. You have an obligation to explain your position to your wife, perhaps suggest sex therapy. Or you can suggest an “arrangement” in which you stay married and see other people. If she won’t budge, a divorce sounds like your only option. Emotionally and financially painful, yes, but probably not as painful as sex on the down low. Walk with a clear conscience.
Q. Menopause and hot flashes have taken my sex life away. My wife is 54 and started menopause at 46. For the past eight years it has been like I am married to my sister. My wife has no desire for sex and will not take hormones because they could cause cancer. I am not allowed to touch her because that would bring on a hot flash. There is no physical contact and what makes it worse is I love her so much.
We have been together 27 years and I cannot imagine being with another woman, if you lined up all the women, I still would pick her. She is so beautiful and it is torture not being able to hold the one you love. I think about sex with her all the time and am frustrated and sad and feel unwanted.
I do not want a divorce and do not want to start my life over. I want my wife back. I have lost hope that will ever happen and do not know how to adjust. I do not think I can go the rest of my life without being able to hold and cuddle and make love to someone who will love me back the same way I want her too. What can I do?
A. Your note is very touching. Can you show this column to your wife? When a man feels frustrated, sad and unwanted, as you do, he can unwittingly come off to his wife as angry and abrupt. You may not be expressing your feelings to her as eloquently as you are to me.
So if you do come off as feeling annoyed rather than feeling abandoned, the misunderstood result is that your wife doesn’t perceive your love and tenderness at all. Instead, she retreats, feeling she is wanted only for sex. This will make a woman who is already not in the mood feel even less in the mood. An angry or importuning approach never feels like real intimacy, even if the desire for real intimacy is what's behind it.
Things have probably snowballed over time so that now, every time you approach your wife, she thinks it is for sex. This is why she always has an excuse — like if you touch her, that will bring on a hot flash.
Being touched does not trigger hot flashes. The bigger message from your wife is that sex, for whatever reason, is something she doesn’t want, so keep away.
It’s true that, for some women, their libido might be diminished by menopause, but that doesn’t mean her need for intimacy is. Many post-menopausal women have active romantic lives with their husbands, even though intercourse might take more effort than before.
Your non-sexual status has continued for eight years. If it keeps going, your love for your wife will start to diminish. Your quality of life already has. As you know, the answer is not to find someone else. I certainly understand your wish not to live the rest of your life without being able to hold and cuddle and make love to your wife. With many years ahead of you, you shouldn’t allow her to impose this celibate state upon you. So here are a few suggestions.
Communicate to your wife how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of your great love for her. And, to feel loved in return, you need to be sexual with each other. To start with, don’t coerce or insist. Rather, let her know that you crave intimacy with her and feel abandoned without it, which is why she must help you change this. If she could truly stand in your shoes, she would want to do something about this, unless she doesn’t love you, which sounds like it is not the case.
Studies on hormone replacement are conflicting. Unless your wife has a family history of cancer, it’s unclear what the best course of action is. Oral estrogen isn’t the only kind — there are creams and suppositories that can be used more locally. So one option is that your wife ask her gynecologist about hormone therapies that are not ingested. Testosterone is really the hormone of desire, and she should probably have her level checked to make sure that's not the culprit. Sometimes the answer is as simple as lots of lubricant.
Because so much time has passed, you might need to see a certified sex therapist. After eight years of no sexual contact, it will probably help to restart slowly.
One technique used by certified sex therapists is to start with physical interactions that are not sexual. A technique called "sensate focus” means that you massage and touch each other in a loving way, excluding the genitals altogether. There are no expectations and no pressure. This works because it diminishes the anxious partner's worries about having sex. You later move on to include genitals but you do not have intercourse. Only when the anxious partner is completely comfortable do you try intercourse.
Ultimately, though threats are not a good way to improve your love life with your wife, it's reasonable to let her know that you don't think you can stay forever in a sexless marriage.
Hey married ladies, answer a question for me - is it really such a chore to have sex with your husband?
I’m one of the many husbands (possibly wives) out there who’s kids tripped over the cord on the sex machine, ripping the plug right out of the wall. That humming and sputtering sound you hear is the machine slowly grinding it’s way to a gear freezing halt, its future destination: – the appliance graveyard under the sink where the Salad Shooter currently resides.
Somebody help me out here – what do you do when your partner in life is great in every other way, but is a passion(less) fish in the bedroom? While, you yourself are one serious horn dog? For the sake of the kids, do you suck it up and be unhappy hoping and praying that your sex drive will start to wane? Do you continue to take matters into your own hands until you’ve exhausted every masturbatory move known to man including several you’ve taken it upon yourself to invent? I recommend the “Under the leg, Tiger Claw hold” – patent pending. Do you consider taking anti-depressants just for the libido reducing side effect? Hell, I’m depressed anyway, might as well kill two birds with one stone.
Yes, I am at fault for marrying my wife – I literally knew what bed I was making and chose to lie in it, so maybe I have no reason to complain. Even before the kids came along our sex drives were not aligned, but we worked on it. Sex was never an area where she was interested in making a investment or being adventuresome. Sure, she’ll spend three weeks looking to find the perfect sofa cushions, but two minutes to put on a piece of lingerie isn’t worth the time, it just comes off anyway. Although it just donned on me – maybe some role-playing is what we need. She can be the sexy interior decorator and I’ll dress up as the perfect antique coffee table – a perfect coffee table is HOT! - Queue porn music.
I am a good and considerate lover, always concentrating on her needs in the bedroom. I will happily go down on her for as long as she wants, and when I do the big O hits like a hammer. If that’s the case, why doesn’t she want it more often – I just don’t get it. If it feels that good, why not experience it al the time? No need for a special occasion, but if necessary we can create one, “A new bottle of shampoo! Hey great, let’s fuck!!” I know she may be self conscious about her body, but she’s beautiful to me. Message to my wife – you are the sexiest woman on the planet when you choose to be.
And no, I don’t look like Quasimodo – I’m actually in good shape, and the same weight I was when we were married o so long ago. And, I’m not one of these dipshit husbands that goes out with his friends to play video games until the wee hours of the morning – I don’t have any interest in an XBOX, I just want my wife’s box. Nope, I get it – I buy her flowers, I do the dishes, I work as a partner around the house. I express affection even when I’m not looking for sex – okay, I pretend I’m not looking for sex. I don’t have a drinking or drug problem, I’m not abusive, and I’m not a lazy piece of shit. No, I have a good job, I’m a good father, I’m reliable, responsible, and a really great guy - apparently humble too.. On the weekends I stay with the kids so she can get a break, – I sincerely appreciate what she does for us, but being a stay at home Mom doesn’t give her the right to neglect her husband.
Maybe I’ve just spent too long placing her needs ahead of my own that its become a paradigm that will be impossible to reverse. But you know what, I deserve better. I’m not asking for much just a little sex, and maybe taking the initiative to start something once in a while…or put 1% of the energy you spend on wanting other things (newer better house, new clothes, new body) to wanting your husband. And for the love of God, show some fucking creativity once in a while – I would be willing, make that eager, to try anything once. She won’t admit to it, but she’s got to have some kind of twisted fantasy buried deep inside – whatever it is, I’ll do it! “Honey, I hate to admit it but I’d love to paint your toenails and then beat you with a raw pork chop.” “Okay, do you want to use an extra lean cut or something with a lot of bone?”
I would throw this out there as a warning to my fellow man/woman – if sex is truly important to you, make sure you’re sexual soul mates. Don’t believe those discussions where your spouse says, “it’s not going to be different after we have kids,” because you know what – IT IS - and it’s really, really going to suck. After a couple of years you’ll feel like your soul is eroding – you’ll feel hurt, rejected, and very angry. After a while you’ll find yourself online, anonymously bitching to thousands of strangers. In the long run I know it will be worth it, being a father is an amazing experience, maybe the gain is worth the pain – but it’s a significant amount of pain. And, I’m just not a selfish enough prick to give up being able to see my kids on a daily basis just so I can get some action. Nope, I’m pretty much screwed.
Yes, communication is the key to any good relationship – unfortunately we’ve already communicated this to death. There’s just not much you can do when the answer to “what can I/We/anybody do to help you” is “I don’t know.” Talk to somebody, take a pill, push a button, just try something, anything. My sanity is slowly….slipping….away.
I’m one of the many husbands (possibly wives) out there who’s kids tripped over the cord on the sex machine, ripping the plug right out of the wall. That humming and sputtering sound you hear is the machine slowly grinding it’s way to a gear freezing halt, its future destination: – the appliance graveyard under the sink where the Salad Shooter currently resides.
Somebody help me out here – what do you do when your partner in life is great in every other way, but is a passion(less) fish in the bedroom? While, you yourself are one serious horn dog? For the sake of the kids, do you suck it up and be unhappy hoping and praying that your sex drive will start to wane? Do you continue to take matters into your own hands until you’ve exhausted every masturbatory move known to man including several you’ve taken it upon yourself to invent? I recommend the “Under the leg, Tiger Claw hold” – patent pending. Do you consider taking anti-depressants just for the libido reducing side effect? Hell, I’m depressed anyway, might as well kill two birds with one stone.
Yes, I am at fault for marrying my wife – I literally knew what bed I was making and chose to lie in it, so maybe I have no reason to complain. Even before the kids came along our sex drives were not aligned, but we worked on it. Sex was never an area where she was interested in making a investment or being adventuresome. Sure, she’ll spend three weeks looking to find the perfect sofa cushions, but two minutes to put on a piece of lingerie isn’t worth the time, it just comes off anyway. Although it just donned on me – maybe some role-playing is what we need. She can be the sexy interior decorator and I’ll dress up as the perfect antique coffee table – a perfect coffee table is HOT! - Queue porn music.
I am a good and considerate lover, always concentrating on her needs in the bedroom. I will happily go down on her for as long as she wants, and when I do the big O hits like a hammer. If that’s the case, why doesn’t she want it more often – I just don’t get it. If it feels that good, why not experience it al the time? No need for a special occasion, but if necessary we can create one, “A new bottle of shampoo! Hey great, let’s fuck!!” I know she may be self conscious about her body, but she’s beautiful to me. Message to my wife – you are the sexiest woman on the planet when you choose to be.
And no, I don’t look like Quasimodo – I’m actually in good shape, and the same weight I was when we were married o so long ago. And, I’m not one of these dipshit husbands that goes out with his friends to play video games until the wee hours of the morning – I don’t have any interest in an XBOX, I just want my wife’s box. Nope, I get it – I buy her flowers, I do the dishes, I work as a partner around the house. I express affection even when I’m not looking for sex – okay, I pretend I’m not looking for sex. I don’t have a drinking or drug problem, I’m not abusive, and I’m not a lazy piece of shit. No, I have a good job, I’m a good father, I’m reliable, responsible, and a really great guy - apparently humble too.. On the weekends I stay with the kids so she can get a break, – I sincerely appreciate what she does for us, but being a stay at home Mom doesn’t give her the right to neglect her husband.
Maybe I’ve just spent too long placing her needs ahead of my own that its become a paradigm that will be impossible to reverse. But you know what, I deserve better. I’m not asking for much just a little sex, and maybe taking the initiative to start something once in a while…or put 1% of the energy you spend on wanting other things (newer better house, new clothes, new body) to wanting your husband. And for the love of God, show some fucking creativity once in a while – I would be willing, make that eager, to try anything once. She won’t admit to it, but she’s got to have some kind of twisted fantasy buried deep inside – whatever it is, I’ll do it! “Honey, I hate to admit it but I’d love to paint your toenails and then beat you with a raw pork chop.” “Okay, do you want to use an extra lean cut or something with a lot of bone?”
I would throw this out there as a warning to my fellow man/woman – if sex is truly important to you, make sure you’re sexual soul mates. Don’t believe those discussions where your spouse says, “it’s not going to be different after we have kids,” because you know what – IT IS - and it’s really, really going to suck. After a couple of years you’ll feel like your soul is eroding – you’ll feel hurt, rejected, and very angry. After a while you’ll find yourself online, anonymously bitching to thousands of strangers. In the long run I know it will be worth it, being a father is an amazing experience, maybe the gain is worth the pain – but it’s a significant amount of pain. And, I’m just not a selfish enough prick to give up being able to see my kids on a daily basis just so I can get some action. Nope, I’m pretty much screwed.
Yes, communication is the key to any good relationship – unfortunately we’ve already communicated this to death. There’s just not much you can do when the answer to “what can I/We/anybody do to help you” is “I don’t know.” Talk to somebody, take a pill, push a button, just try something, anything. My sanity is slowly….slipping….away.
