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HE REPLIES, 'YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!'
BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.
DAD SAYS, 'SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?'
BILLY SAYS, ' WIMBLEDON!'
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got
no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet
door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering
on the closet floor.
'You rotten Bitch, she screams.
My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
- though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
if she has any last words.
' They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
from theUniversity of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering,
and I'll tell ya right now,
A horny young man went to a brothel...
A horny young man went to a brothel...
The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models...
they are all slinky and sexy...
On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...
they are all buxom and beautiful...
On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers...
. they...
"Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor." Madam, "Are you sure...
I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses." Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."
There was only one problem: The captain's Parrot saw the shows each Week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, Look, Its not the same hat!' or, 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under The Table!' orHey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,The Captain's parrot.
And then 2 days ... And then 3 days
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and Said,
'OK, I give up. Where's the f----ing ship?'
Anyway... he thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab..
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her... you know the kind!
He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
Hello?' the woman says. (God, she sounded sexy!).
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'
"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are put in front of a firing squad. The Englishman shouts 'earthquake!', and jumps over the wall in the confusion," one typical joke begins. "The Scotsman shouts 'flood!', and jumps over the wall in the confusion. The Irishman shouts 'fire!'," it concludes.
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.'No. I must see Valerie,' he replied.Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The man replied, ' Tasmania.’'Really' she said. 'I have family in Tasmania’'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. Shehasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
There are four kinds of sex : .............
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before."
So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me??
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
"God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure! Just a minute."
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Bill. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he’d like his usual and brings over a Fosters.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Fosters?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bill, and says “Hi Billy. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”
Bill’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bill.”
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide
She’ll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.
If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy
Pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says
"Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for
Thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he
Unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She
Runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan This guy seventy bucks?
‘What a great chest you have!’
He tells her, ‘That’s dynamite, Baby.’
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,
‘What massive calves you have!’
The body builder tells her, ’That’s 100 kgs of dynamite, Baby.’
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her and asks why she run out of the apartment like that.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bi**h knows I'm smarter than her.
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, 'Come on in..'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! ,sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self. 'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.
What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, how old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly...
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
JACK AND JILL
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father
took him to one side.
'When I married your mother, the first thing I
did when we got home wastake off my
trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother
and told her to put them on. When she did,
they were enormous on her and she said to me
that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they
were too
large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I
wear the trousers in this family and I always
will.'Ever since that day, we have never had
a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he
gotJill alone after the wedding, he did the
same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to
Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she
couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in
this relationship andI always will. I don't
want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and
gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said,
So he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly getinto your knickers,' said
Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change
your f *** ing attitude, you never will.'
Go Jill !!!!!!!!!!!!
A man's idea of a funny joke :
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be
able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the
kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married my 'Miss Right'.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90% ...
it's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men ..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
think they are sexy.
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the
big toilet like his daddy.
He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching
his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
"K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill
on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. number two, once in a
while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going
out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks
anytime you want!"
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty quid .....' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when suddenly alight flashes on them.
It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that bloody light in her face'
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars".
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, threedays later, she became his stepmother.
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.
An american girl, a french girl and an african girl are travelling in a plane.The plane is about to crash. The american girl puts on make-up. Everyone is curious."Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" The french girl opens her top and removes her bra saying, “Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!"The african girl removes her knickers and says "Fuck off; they always look for the black box first!"
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him casually and replied, 'You're not home then!'
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.''
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make
you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over
the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed
'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes
And quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don’t know - I thought you were watching.'
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