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Here is is a story about 4 people, named everycunt, someothercunt,anycunt and nocunt. One day there was a job that needed doing, and someothercunt was asked to do it, everycunt was sure someothercunt would do it, but nocunt did it. Everycunt got angry because it was someothercunt's job. Nocunt didn't realise that anycunt could have done it. It ended up with everycunt blaming someothercunt and nocunt doing what anycunt could have done.
HE REPLIES, 'YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!'
BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.
DAD SAYS, 'SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?'
BILLY SAYS, ' WIMBLEDON!'
day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
that something was seriously wrong.
my penis into the pickle slicer?'
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got
no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet
door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering
on the closet floor.
'You rotten Bitch, she screams.
My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
- though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
if she has any last words.
' They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
from theUniversity of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering,
and I'll tell ya right now,
THE VOODOO PENIS
'Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass...!'
There was only one problem: The captain's Parrot saw the shows each Week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, Look, Its not the same hat!' or, 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under The Table!' orHey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,The Captain's parrot.
And then 2 days ... And then 3 days
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and Said,
'OK, I give up. Where's the f----ing ship?'
Anyway... he thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab..
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her... you know the kind!
He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
Hello?' the woman says. (God, she sounded sexy!).
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'
"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are put in front of a firing squad. The Englishman shouts 'earthquake!', and jumps over the wall in the confusion," one typical joke begins. "The Scotsman shouts 'flood!', and jumps over the wall in the confusion. The Irishman shouts 'fire!'," it concludes.
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.'No. I must see Valerie,' he replied.Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The man replied, ' Tasmania.’'Really' she said. 'I have family in Tasmania’'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. Shehasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
There are four kinds of sex : .............
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before."
So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me??
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
"God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure! Just a minute."
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Bill. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he’d like his usual and brings over a Fosters.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Fosters?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bill, and says “Hi Billy. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”
Bill’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bill.”
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide
She’ll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.
If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy
Pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says
"Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for
Thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he
Unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She
Runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan
This guy seventy bucks?
